


to be weakened like achilles, with you always at my heels

by gravinnen



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 14:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4609425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravinnen/pseuds/gravinnen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it’s been almost exactly three weeks since their first kiss against a warm, sleeping cow in a shed near the Barns. Ronan’s started calling him Adam instead of Parrish and Adam sometimes calls him babe. he doesn’t think it has to be a big deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to be weakened like achilles, with you always at my heels

“Maybe we should tell Blue about this.” Ronan says.  
  
Adam turns abruptly around.  
  
It’s ten in the evening on a Monday and it’s been almost exactly three weeks since their first kiss against a warm, sleeping cow in a shed near the Barns. It hadn’t been the absolute sexiest of places Adam could think of - it wasn’t like a petrol station, near a bonfire or on a balcony that hides something but not quite everything - and they had definitely accidentally elbowed the cow in the side more than once as they had desperately tried to get more, more, _more_ of each other but it had been very them.  
  
Ronan’s started calling him Adam instead of Parrish and Adam sometimes calls him babe. He doesn’t think it has to be a big deal. Adam’s never been more content. Unfortunately, he’s never been more confused either.  
  
“Maybe we should tell Blue.” He says. “But maybe we shouldn’t.”  
  
They haven’t really talked about it yet. They’ve talked, a lot, but not really about _it_. Ronan stays over three times a week, they went to see a movie once, just the two of them, and they’ve even made out against Ronan’s car where technically everyone could have spotted them but they’re both very careful about not mentioning anything about what this is and what it could be.    
  
So it’s not that Adam’s ashamed, really. He’s not embarrassed; though he is starting to wonder whether his admiration for Gansey used to be something else. It’s just that he’s not yet entirely used to looking at Ronan currently standing on his shower while Adam’s getting ready for bed, being very, very naked and thinking of him as beautiful, gorgeous even, maybe. Probably.    
  
Adam’s ready to be somebody’s boyfriend but he’s not entirely sure if he’s ready to have a boyfriend.  
  
Ronan nods like he agrees, puts some soap on his abdomen. Adam swallows and grabs his toothbrush.  
  
  “I mean, I figured maybe you wanted to tell her because of — well, you know. But whatever you’re comfortable with. I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do.”    
  
That’s something Ronan’s been saying a lot lately; _I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do_. He’d said it before they’d starting making out against the cow and then again afterwards, gliding his hands over her fur and not looking at Adam. He’d said it when he’d asked Adam out to the cinema and when Adam had reached out to brush his finger over his cheekbone, the light of the movie illuminating his handsome face. He’d said it the first time he’d reached down to take Adam’s shirt off and then the second time, too. He’d even tried to say it a third time but Adam had shut him up by licking up his cheek and punching him in the shoulder.  
  
  “Ack. A dog lick is never sexy, Adam.” Ronan had said, pushing him away and then grabbing onto Adam’s belt. “I just don’t want to — ”  
  
“Shut up.”     
  
More than him suddenly — well, suddenly, suddenly — liking guys, this is freaking Adam out. Ronan’s not a person anyone would describe as careful. Ronan breaks into people, finds what they worry about most and cuts it up in half right in front of them. He’s never afraid. He’s never worried. But Ronan’s been tip-toe’ing around this thing they have ever since it started. Maybe even before it started.  
  
“I wondered about that, you know.” Adam mumbles around his toothbrush and nods towards where Ronan’s shampooing what’s left of his hair. It’s starting to grow out a little. Adam can’t stop noticing it.  
  
“About what?”  
  
“If you still washed your hair.”   
  
“I’m not a caveman, Adam. I wash my hair. Don’t believe everything Gansey tells you.”  
  
  “I mean, there’s not much left of it. I just wondered if that was still necessary.” Adam bends over the the sink to spit. “I kind of like that this is between us, for now. I don’t really feel like sharing it yet.”  
  
  “Sure, yeah. I mean I would never want to — could you hand me a towel, please — push you into anything you’re not sure about.”    
  
Adam hands Ronan a towel, smiles a _there you go_ at him and then, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”    
  
“I said that I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not comfortable with.”    
  
“I’m still not entirely sure — are you saying you _want_ to push me into stuff I’m not comfortable with or are you saying you _don’t_ want to push me into stuff I’m not comfortable with?”  
  
  Ronan looks up at Adam and there’s a confused expression on his face. He looks a little hurt. “Adam.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s just that you’ve only said you don’t want to push me into anything I don’t want to do about fifty-six times today so I’m not entirely sure what it is that you mean exactly.”  
  
Ronan throws a wet towel at Adam’s face but Adam’s quick and he catches it, slaps it against Ronan’s butt. “Ha ha _ha_. That’s really funny.”  
  
“I know right. Come to bed.” Adam walks out of the bathroom and turns on the little nightlight Ronan had dreamt up for him a few weeks ago. It has a kind of shine to it that makes him sleepy when he needs to sleep but strangely awake if he has to get up early. “And put on some clothes!” He yells.  
  
“Don’t make fun of me.” Ronan says as he appears behind him and bites at Adam’s shoulder. His skin is still damp from the shower against Adam’s back and it sends a chill down his spine.  
  
“ _Babe_.” Adam says. He falls down on the bed and bumps at Ronan’s face with his fist. His accent is heavy and strong tonight but he finds he doesn’t care at all. Not caring about some stuff — or, caring less, anyway — seems to happen a lot more often when Ronan’s around and it’s nice to think about five things at a time instead of ten at least some parts of the day. “I mean, it’s sweet and all, but maybe from tomorrow on, you can ask me if I’m comfortable only ten times every hour.”    
  
“Twenty.”  
  
  “Fifteen.”  
  
“Deal.”  
  
Ronan’s buzzcut tickles at Adam’s chin. His eyes are heavy but Adam still manages to get out a, “You don’t mind not telling anyone, do you?”  
  
Adam swears he can feel Ronan shrugging but he’s already half-asleep so he can’t be completely sure.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Having a thing with Ronan is a lot better than Adam had initially anticipated. Ronan is attentive but not pushy and he always allows Adam to put his cold feet in-between Ronan’s warm legs. It is pretty much the perfect mix of epic dance parties to old Crowded House song in Adam’s tiny room and intense make out sessions on Ronan’s bed and as Ronan sucks on his neck, his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, Adam thinks he might be ready to start calling it dating.  
  
“Adam.” Ronan says somewhere near his ear. “ _Adam_.”  
  
  Ronan has this way of making Adam’s name sound like he’s actually saying _hell fucking yes_. It makes Adam feel really brave as well as scared out of his mind. The thing is, dating Ronan seems totally effortless, like he doesn’t have to think about it at all and Adam keeps having the feeling like something is bound to go wrong if he doesn’t start working for it. He’s so not used to getting what he wants without having to spill his blood, sweat and tears for it and yet here he is, with Ronan brushing his hands through Adam’s hair and looking at him like he can’t quite believe any of this is really happening.  
  
“Hi.” Adam says as Ronan kisses Adam’s nose. He read somewhere that putting your tongue against the back of your teeth makes your smile sexier so he does that. At least that feels a little bit like working for it.    
  
“Hi.” Ronan looks slightly confused. “The fuck are you doing?”    
  
“Nothing.” Adam purses his lips. Ronan is very hard against his hipbone and that’s turning him on a lot. “I read somewhere that putting your tongue against the back of your teeth makes your smile sexier so, I figured, why not try that, you know.” He hides his face in Ronan’s neck as Ronan begins to chuckle.    
  
“That’s completely normal.” Ronan says. “And not weird at all.”  
  
Adam’s just leaning forward to catch Ronan’s bottom lip with his teeth when suddenly, out of nowhere, Noah appears just near the side of the bed like the actual ghost he is.  
  
“Hello sweeties.” He lifts his hands in the air as Adam quickly rolls off of Ronan and scoots just a little bit away. “Don’t insult me, please, Adam, obviously I know.” Noah looks shifty then. “I just didn’t know you were both going to be here. I guess I need to learn how to knock now that you guys are — a thing.”  
  
“I guess you fucking should, yeah.” Ronan says but he doesn’t sound angry. Contrary to Adam, who’s slowly but surely trying to create more and more space between them, he looks completely relaxed. His hands are beneath his head and his legs are crossed. Adam doesn’t miss Noah quickly giving Ronan a thumbs up and Ronan rolling his eyes.  
  
“Anyway.” Noah says. He has the grace to look at least a little bit awkward. “I guess I’ll just be going then. I only just came here to remind Ronan that we have a date tonight. I mean — not a date, huh, Adam — more like a meeting. We were supposed to go throw stuff at the — whatever. I’ll see you tonight, Ronan. Be there! Bye. Bye. Later.”  
  
Noah disappears as quickly as he arrived and neither of them say anything for a few seconds. Adam tries thinking about happy things — taking a shower after a long day at work, an item being discounted but only finding out at the till, leaning his forehead against Ronan’s back, feeling the humming of his voice instead of hearing it with only one ear, as Ronan tells him something about a dream he had — and breathing deeply in and out.  
  
Ronan turns to watch Adam. He looks so handsome that it takes Adam’s breath away all over again. So much for deep breathing. “Are you freaking out?”  
  
“Just a little.”  
  
“Hmm.” Ronan doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t reach out to grab Adam’s hands or tries to comfort him and Adam appreciates that. Instead he swings his legs over the bed, gets up and starts putting away some of his clothes that are on the floor.  
  
 “It was stupid of me to think that Noah wouldn’t know.” Adam says eventually. He sits up on the bed and watches Ronan fold clothes. He spots a lot of black. “But I would’ve liked to tell him myself.”   
  
“I understand that.” Ronan says carefully.   There’s something in the air that Adam can’t quite place.  
  
“That’s why I like you so much.” He tries.  
  
Ronan grins at him but there, too, is something strange about it. Adam’s surprised to see that it feels good to say those words out loud. He rolls his shoulders back and smiles back at Ronan.  
  
“I guess it’s good that someone knows.” He says.  
  
“I guess so.” Ronan’s voice is clipped, like he’s trying to sound nice but isn’t really feeling it. It strikes Adam as a very un-Ronan thing to do. “I wouldn’t want you to do anything you’re — ”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a deal remember. Anyway, I have to go.” Adam gets up to kiss Ronan on his chin. “Have fun with Noah tonight, it would be great if you didn’t get arrested.”   
  
Ronan throws a shirt in Adam’s face. “I’ll try.”    
  
“All I ask.” Adam bows very deeply and then walks away.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Blue finds out two weeks later.    
  
The thing between Ronan and Adam is starting to become a serious thing and Adam’s starting to get really, really into it. Yesterday at school, he’d pushed his hand underneath Ronan’s shirt, touching the skin of his back and Adam had kept it there for at least five minutes. Sometimes he finds himself sitting at a table at Nino’s with the others and reaching out to circle Ronan’s wrist. They haven’t told anyone else but Ronan’s been hanging out with Noah a lot more than usual lately so Adam assumes he just speaks to Noah about it — about them.  
  
Now, though, _now_ Adam has Ronan pushed against the wall in the main room in Monmouth, his hands on Ronan’s hips and he’s just contemplating that this might be the ideal moment to give the first blow job ever in his life when Blue storms in.  
  
“What the hell.” She says.  
  
Shocked at the sound of a voice that isn’t Ronan’s or his own, Adam all but throws Ronan to the other side of the room.  
  
“What the hell.” Blue repeats.  
  
Adam touches his lips, takes a millisecond to mourn all of the research on blow jobs he’d done the previous night and then says, “Gansey’s in Washington.” It sounds like an apology. Blue walks out of the door.  
  
He’s not entirely sure what to do and he can’t seem to move so he just stands there and looks at the closed door. It’s different than it was with Noah because Noah was in his head anyway and also because Blue is Blue. “This doesn’t have to be weird.” He hears himself say.  
  
“No fucking shit.” Ronan spits at him. He sounds venomous and Adam’s shocked to hear it directed at him. He turns around to look at Ronan and sees a dark expression on his face that Adam hasn’t seen for a long, long time.  
  
“I can’t help it that Blue walked in.” Adam’s raised his voice now too. “I didn’t plan for her to find out like this!”    
  
“How _did_ you plan it, Adam?”  
  
“I don’t know! Pizza night at Nino’s and then I was just going to kind of spit it out.” Adam is almost shouting now but it sounds lame, even to himself. For the first time he wonders if he’s made a mistake not telling anyone about them. “I have to go after her.”  
  
“Obviously.” Ronan walks towards the door to his room but stops to throw the keys of his car to Adam. He tries to catch them but misses and they end up near his feet. The door to Ronan’s room is slammed shut and Adam winces at the sound. There’s a small, tiny part of him that morbidly hopes Blue ran away because she’s jealous and he hates himself for it.  
  
“Thanks.” He mumbles.    
  
“Don’t fucking kill it.” Ronan calls out from behind the door. Adam swears he can hear something break.  
  
Adam gets in the car and as he parks in front of Blue’s house ten minutes later, he bumps it against a tree. He doesn’t think Ronan will murder him but it’s definitely not the best timing for one headlight to stop working.    
  
He tries to file it away to worry about later and goes to find Blue. Adam find her exactly where he thought he would find her. Blue is sitting against the beech tree in her garden and she’s wearing a green dress that looks absolutely beautiful on her. Adam’s heart feels heavy as he sits next to her and searches for something to say.  
  
Eventually he settles for, “That’s not really how I wanted you to find out.”  
  
She doesn’t seem angry and she doesn’t seem surprised but there’s something else written on her face that Adam can’t really place. “It’s okay, Adam, I’m not upset or anything. I just wanted to give you some space to — take a moment, I guess. It was kind of weird seeing you guys like that.”  
  
“That’s nice of you.” And, “I can imagine.”  
  
“How long has this been going on anyway?”  
  
“A month and a half? Maybe a little bit longer.”  
  
“And you guys are pretty serious?”  
  
  “Very serious.”    
  
“Does Gansey know?”    
  
Adam doesn’t answer and when Blue looks at him, he knows what the expression she’s wearing is; it’s disappointment and that’s breaking Adam’s heart. “I don’t get why you wouldn’t just tell us. I mean, I get that it’s Henrietta but surely you knew that none of us would ever be anything but happy for you.”    
  
“Yeah, no, I never doubted that, Blue.”  
  
  “Is Ronan okay with that?”  
  
“Yeah.” Adam’s quick to say. “I mean, I think.”  
  
  “Have you asked him?”    
  
“Of course.”  
  
“And he specifically told you he didn’t mind.”  
  
“He usually just short of shrugs. You know Ronan.” As he says it, it very suddenly hits him. “Shit. _Shit_.”  
  
Ronan doesn’t lie — not to his family, not to his friends, not to his teachers, not to Adam. He never lies and he hadn’t. He _hadn’t_. It’s just that he also hadn’t really told Adam the truth. Ronan had simply chosen to not say anything at all.  
  
“Yeah.” Blue checks her nails. “That was a pretty shitty move, Adam.”  
  
“No.” Breathing isn’t becoming a lot easier for him. “I’m not ashamed.” He tries to explain.    
  
“That’s good. You shouldn’t have to be.”  
  
“It just — It just takes some getting used to, you know? I just needed a little time.”  
  
“I get that, I think.”  
  
“I do really, really like him.” And then he adds, almost absent-mindedly, “Two months isn’t a little time.”  
  
“Yeah, Adam, listen, I don’t think I’m the one you should be telling this.”  
  
He stares at Blue but her words don’t immediately register. Adam thinks about Ronan being so careful with him, always asking him if he’s okay, if he’s not doing anything he doesn’t want to do. He thinks about how many times he thought certain things Ronan did weren’t very like the Ronan he knew, and he realizes now that was more like the real Ronan than anything he had ever done before. Adam thinks about how he never once asked Ronan if _he_ was comfortable with the way things were going.  
  
“I broke Ronan’s car.” He mumbles.  
  
Blue leans her head back against the tree and closes her eyes. “Let’s just hope that’s all you broke.”  
  
“Blue.”  
  
“Sorry, sorry. I’m feeling kind of dramatic today. It must’ve been the movie kiss I witnessed earlier today.” She squeezes Adam’s knee, then looks kind of concerned. “I do genuinely hope Ronan hasn’t broken anything important though, like the television or — someone’s leg.”    
  
“ _Blue_.” Adam says, feeling exasperated, but Blue is laughing. “I guess I’ll just go and see if he hasn’t thrown Noah out of, like, every other window there is.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s the least of your worries, I think.”  
  
“Thanks.” He gets up and stretches out his arm to help her up too.  
  
She brushes the dust from her dress and says, “Don’t screw this up, Adam, that’d be a shame. Let me know how it goes.”    
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
About half an hour later than he could’ve been there, Adam arrives at Monmouth. He’d driven around for a while, thinking and listening to music and wondering about what exactly it was that he wanted to say to Ronan.  
  
  Adam opens the door and finds him sitting on the ground in the main room and feeding Chainsaw small pieces of bread. Ronan looks up at Adam and he’s angry. Adam can almost imagine thunder appearing in the dark blue skies in Ronan’s eyes and he’s not scared but he’s not feeling at ease either.  
  
“I did something really dumb.” Adam hears himself say.  
  
“Hmm.” Ronan rolls his eyes.  
  
“I broke your car.”  
  
Ronan gets up and throws the last piece of bread to the ground. Chainsaw dives towards it. “What the fuck, Adam, if that’s all you have to say, I’m leaving.”  
  
“No, no, I just needed to put that out there before saying, well, _I’m sorry_. I’m sorry about everything. I guess I kind of forgot that this is new for you too.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  “And I’m sorry that I acted like I wanted to keep you a secret. That was a shitty thing to do and I apologize. It’s just that it’s still kind of intense to you know, like you. So much.”    
  
“Okay.” Ronan repeats, clipped, but he looks just a little bit less angry.  
  
“I’m not ashamed of you.”  
  
“That’s good to know, I guess.”    
  
“We’ll tell Gansey tomorrow.”    
  
“Adam — ”  
  
  “Today, if you want to.”  
  
“Don’t be annoying.”   
  
Adam walks a few steps closer to where Ronan’s standing. His hands are trembling a little bit. “Sorry.”  
  
“Yeah, well.”  
  
  “But next time I do something that you don’t like, you should just ask me to stop doing those things. If I start asking you if _you’re_ still comfortable as well, we’ll literally never talk about anything else.”  
  
Ronan doesn’t laugh. “I’m not really used to asking for things.” He sounds almost apologetic. “I usually just take them.”  
  
“Babe.” Adam says. “That’s a real horrible thing to say.”   
  
“Hey, I thought this was about _you_ begging for forgiveness at my feet.”  
  
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Okay. Okay.”  
  
“I’m really sorry.”    
  
“Okay!”    
  
“There is literally nobody who’s ever been more sorry in the world.”  
  
“Stop.”    
  
Adam reaches out and squeezes Ronan’s wrist. “I’m serious though, if you expect me to be mindful of like, my limits, then you have to be honest about them too.”  
  
  “Yeah, I get that. And it’s not like I want to tell the entire school or something. But it would be nice to have the group know.”    
  
“Well, we’re getting there. The only one who still has to walk in on us is Gansey.” There’s silence. “Not that I want that, of course. Like I said, I’ll tell him right now, if you want me to.”  
  
  “You’re fine. But maybe tomorrow.”  
  
“Definitely tomorrow.”    
  
That night, Adam cooks them both pasta and about half-way through dinner Blue joins them, and then Noah. It isn’t so bad at all.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
“So, we’re a thing.” Adam says and he gestures vaguely to Ronan sitting next to him. It smells like pizza and Adam’s really hungry.  
  
“Well, I, for one, am shocked.” Gansey says. “This comes as a great surprise.”    
  
“Gansey.”  
  
“There is literally nothing on this earth that could have surprised me more.”  
  
“Gansey.”  
  
“As a matter of fact, I’ll believe it when I see it.”  
  
“ _Dick_.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Shut the hell up up.”  
  
  
[  
](http://gravinnen.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> I tried. the title is from ghost by the indigo girls, which is not only a beautiful, beautiful song but one that also seems to fit Ronan and Adam perfectly. really worth a listen if you have the time.


End file.
